Bits in <> are meant to be comments added shortly after writing or else they are dated. Imagine them as being in italics, if this is HTML then they will be of course and so the bits in italics correspond to the comments. Sunrise. Through the velvety layers of waking, The newly risen sun warm on my back. Opening my eyes to a cloud of motes, And the sleeping form of my sweetheart. Her face is at rest, breathing softly, Beautiful and stroked with sunlight. Dark hair curled around her shoulders, Cocooned within the duvet. Starting each day with such a vision, Lavishly fills my heart with sweet tenderness. Makes still my soul without want or need, Except to wake with her again. (c) 21 July 2003 10:34, Fnagaton. A dark room. The lament of a heart, one so broken and shattered, That aches to be made whole again in love that is pure. A soundless cry which fails to fall on any ear, Searching for a meaningful eye contact, From another who looks and instantly feels the pain inside. Who knows what loneliness is and wants to take it all away, With weeping droplets of tears that fall like rain, Splashing on to cheeks and blurring vision into swimming under water worlds. A soul waiting to feel like an eagle and soar, High in to the sky with gales of wind beneath outstretched wings, Catching every breath and never falling down again. Where two can fly in open glee and joy, And step into a crowd and never feel lost. For as long as one breathes the other heart beats, even when parted by sea or land there is a bond. But no sweet flight anymore, just waterfalls of tears. A heart so lonely and wishing to find some peace, A final resting place locked in arms that never tire, In Love's sweet and never ending oblivion. (c) 31 March 2002 21:22, Fnagaton. Wish after wish. In the garden of my soul, A beautiful rose unfurls. The rose, deep red with blushes, Petals as soft as your skin, Scent as lovely as you. So many wishes, in my eyes, To hold you near and safe in love. But when you travel back home, The lamp inside my soul, Shattered on the ground. Darkness folds around, no warmth, No song or music can I feel. Breaks pain in to my heart, And all I want to hear, Your sweet voice that brings light. My belief never once wavered, Nor blind as old men am I. My love for you still stays, With prayers for everything, Your happiness in life, a wish. (c) 27 June 2001 20:52, Fnagaton. Can't die. Giving up the fight, Into a cruel world. Born yet not begun, No chances made or given. Consume to destroy it, To have no success. Screaming in to full lungs, Confused with mind. Can't die a part death, Apart except a connection, Don't leave on life's breath, When love succumbs into pain. Exit upon years ago, Life kicks into life. But ignore the urge, Create a new mind. Hide the lies, >From who once lain. Tell, but not the story, Blind him from the truth. Harvest the trust, Package it into bales. Summers dried and starched, Whiter but never pure. (c) 6 February 2001 01:35, Fnagaton. Absent friend. To you dear absent friend, Whose laugh I won't hear again. Except in memory of happier times, When we would share your wit. Through bad times and good, you were always there. Accepting each new day, With your own brand of humor. No one saw the warning signs, Of your sudden choice in life. You were loved, I promise. I'm sorry I couldn't be there, When on new years eve you took your life. Could have helped you in your strife, Your life will be missed. (c) 2 January 2001, Fnagaton. Waterfall Dreams. Of endless jewels and beads, Slipping down towards eternity. A cycle of natures work undone, It's journey never once begun. From high the silky ripples bleed, Slipping over rocks and under trees. Then break and fall in to the depths, A man sits there, endless blessed. The figure hunched and barely breathes, Looks part forward as if to see. Around him water sparkles on his skin, Reflecting most of thoughts within. Seeking misted eyes pondering the call, Of falling stream that captures awe. That heart and chest so tightly bound, With cold pressure and thunderous sound. Through waters rumbling voice and arpeggio tone, With battered mind and heart and bone. The past always washes down to the sea, Leaving marvels at life's simple symmetry. < A Christmas present. > (c) 25 December 2000 20:38, Fnagaton. Darkly loved. A heart so lonely and entwined, 'Neath dark skies from past so blind. With jaded eyes that saw so much, That need not more than human touch. His soul so withered and benign, To have loved too much was his crime. So intense the hurt and the pain, He sheds his tears through the rain. Then there he'd stand inside the door, A rich man never felt so poor. It was not his fault as you shall see, He just longs to hear, "you complete me". (c) 20 December 2000 21:06, Fnagaton. Before I dream. Before I sleep, Might I dream of you? Where eyes meet, Hearts beating as one. Rivers of tears shed, For the joy you bring. You soothed my mind, With a far away touch. Each day with you, Brings dawns new light. Yet undiscovered are these days, And full of hope and comfort. < This was also origianlly called 'before I sleep' but this title suits it better I think. 16/11/2000 > (c) 12 September 2000, Fnagaton. All of you. Your ocean deep eyes Lose me in their depths. Only to make me swim, Helplessly drawn, To the sunlight of your soul. Fingers touch as soft As a summer breeze. Tickles that make me laugh, Like shivering butterflies, Caresses on my skin, Wrapped in your arms, Held close and secure. Your beating heart, in time with mine, Each breath as one. Linked with love, Every thought in our souls, Tell me of desire. Arching towards you, To drink from your lips. Sounds of you fill the sky, Touching all of me, Feeling safe within you. Because you are my world, And my protection. (c) 31 August 2000, Fnagaton. Three people. If I could be an artist all old with creative hands, How many hours would I spend in toil? Your beautiful face pictured in my mind, Guiding my hands across the paper. Sketching the perfection they try to copy. To catch your smile and eyes for all time. But an artist I am not and can never be. If music was to be my calling, For God to grant me this I wished. Often I'd write of countless symphonies, Your voice remembered in my ears, Pushing my talent trying to rival the angels song. Lifting our hearts and souls to be as one. But a composer I am not and can never be. All that is left are words. Each letter tempting fate to break the seal, Of emotions that feel trapped inside my heart. Those that escape are just for you alone. Perchance they fall upon your sleeping form, And in your dreams comfort you is my wish. Perhaps this is what I'm meant to be? (c) 17 August 2000, Fnagaton. Night sky I watch the stars, sparkles of plenty in the sky. And I think of you my heart knows why. In the night sky, the moon cries her tears. The clouds come out To hide her fears. Waiting until dawn For the morning sun. Suddenly the world is new The night undone. And as I dream of you, I begin to realise That these fantastic things I see in your beautiful eyes. (c) 29 July 2000, Fnagaton. Before you awake. Before you awake, Long may you dream. Of endless love, that flows like a stream. I'll promise to protect you, Every day. From lifes bad times, Come what may. And keep you safe, wrapped in my arms. Because I love you, you'll know no harm. < For... You know who you are. > (c) 6 July 2000, Fnagaton. Absense of thought. Give me lots of space. Space enough to breath, enough to fill the gaps in my knowledge. With an absence of light and tangled cracks, a map of dark holes in my mind. Of secret places where I can hide, without fear of being found. On the bounds of where everyone goes, but never truly see. (c) 19 February 1999 17:43, Fnagaton. Before I sleep... Before I rest my head to sleep, I think of you and feel complete. For you the day has just begun, underneath the morning Sun. As you eat your buttered toast, it is to you my heart feels close. The birds sing for you their happy song, amidst the busy city throng. And in my dreams you will be there, the one of whom I really care. (c) 1 February 1999 1:14, Fnagaton Hope. Hope can gutter, like a candle in the wind. Each moment casting shadows in a myriad of patterns, against the walls of my mind. Fleeting glimpses of the future and what might be, chances lost and taken and those I don't yet know. And yet the flame burns stronger than before, fueled by a force called love. (c) 12 January 1999 9:30, Fnagaton Change. Happiness comes from the greatest surprises, Understanding from one that is far away. Interest that stirs and touches, Chance blinds me with your beautiful soul. Heartfelt words that reach across the oceans, Into the depths of my mind. (c) 5 January 1999 2:00, Fnagaton Don't let me dream. Don't let me dream tonight of wasted past, tinged with regret that fills my sleeping world. Of boundless empty black, swollen with the heat of a long extinguished fire. Just let me travel to the farthest reaches of the future, contemplate the life I can see. An expectant source of colour that enriches the spirit, from collisions with all the tomorrows. (c) 21 December 1998 1:47, Fnagaton Accomplish. Right now, feeling inspired by a greater force, I can accomplish everything, do anything. Feel alive. (c) 6 December 1998 23:54, Fnagaton. True Love. To feel you hold me in your arms, letting me know you will protect for all time, stirs the once dormant life inside me. To look past your beautiful face, Through your deep brown eyes into your soul, And I want you to know I will do the same. This is not a choice, no decision is needed from me, I just know you are my destiny. No luck or chance let us find each other, Just fate, than plan of the Universe, the will of God. I watch you smile, feel your relaxed heart, beat with mine. I can see your life, feel you content happiness surround you. To hear your carefree laughter fills me with joy. This feels so right I cannot explain. You have made me see the world differently. I notice things like the colour of the sky and the pattern of the trees. I feel like I can hear the quietest thing and see the smallest detail. You've opened my eyes, ears and heart to all the things I've missed for the past years. You've succeeded where everyone and everything has failed. I want everything for you, the Sun, the moon, the stars and so much more. To give you that chance, to undo all the pain in your past, to never let you know pain again. You deserve all the luck in the World. You give me the will to live, and make me want to be a better man. (c) 16 August 1998 20:07, Fnagaton. Autumn afternoons. Autumn afternoons with my father, driving to Bath to see the rugby. Parking next to the weir, tall houses, now offices all around. Walking through ancient stone lined streets. Looking into shop windows, soaking up the history. Along the river, heavy and rapid with the rain. Crunching over the grass, towards the recreation ground. Feeling the expectant atmosphere from all around us. I wonder how many sons and fathers have walked this same way. The crowds are already gathering as we take our place. Standing on the cold stone steps, no seats here. Sucking in the aroma of a hot pasty in one hand, coffee in the other. Waiting for the white, black and blue shirts to arrive. We both want the same thing, for Bath to win, a common goal against the opposing team. We talk about life and work, the future and plans. We can talk here, these are the times I feel close to him. We watch the cut and thrust of the game, it's a close match. Surrounded by the crowd, squeezed shoulder to shoulder, everyone cheering their teams, shouting at the top of their voices. Like ancient war cries, full of heart and soul. Bath may lose, we join the crowd, grown silent these past few minutes. Nobody breathing just watching the game, not daring to think, just worried faces. A chance, a score, the final whistle! The crowd roar! We hug each other with tears of joy in our eyes and broken voices, jumping like mad men, united with happiness. (c) 28 November 1998 19:03, Fnagaton. Mystery. Mystery is everywhere my child. You only have to close your eyes, open your mind to thought and embrace this life to see. (c) 27 November 1998 20:38, Fnagaton. Dance of life. Many twists and turns in the dance of life, each person having a different rhythm. Good and bad should be savored, as both are pointers to being alive. (c) 27 November 1998 20:36, Fnagaton Doesn't work. I tried to run away from the pain of lost love. Thought that I could wrap it up in the job and toss it away. But running away doesn't work, pain always comes back, no matter how far I run. To face up to pain, embrace it, become one with it, make it a part of me. Live with it and pain goes away with time. If I had the choice again. To say "I love you" or to hide my feelings and walk away. I know I will always choose the first. You have shown me how to live, to avoid feeling dead like before. I can't tell you how much that means. Thank you for letting me feel and live. Allowing me to believe in love. (c) 26 November 1998 23:34, Fnagaton. Jeweled morning. Walking over green fields, frost covered with frozen morning dew. Crunching old leaves, foot prints on a new day. The fresh snap of cold air, fills my tingling chest. Icicle eyes seeing all, clarity far into the distance. Cold ears hearing natures silence, not a thing stirs. The sleeping beauty of a stream, locked in flow and time. Naked trees that wait like statues, whispering to each other with creaks and sighs. No thunder from the waterfall, its downward journey paused. Feeling like the only life, in a world without change. Waiting for the snow, and the fun it brings. (c) 23 November 1998 13:43, Fnagaton. Muddled. Misty clouds of time. Drifting around obscuring memories. Changing every heart beat. Until time passes to the final act. (c) 22 November 1998 19:57, Fnagaton. Thought for the day 1. Old wise people. The flower lady is a wise person. She sees things other people do not I think. She saw a dragon on my back about 2-4 months ago as I waited at the bus stop. She said it meant trouble. How right she was, I just didn't see it the first time. I hope one day I can thank her, find the courage. One day I hope to be as wise as her. Never ignore seemingly crazy people in the street that try to give you free advice. As it happens I approached her and we talked for an hour at least, she even gave me some carreer advice. ;-) Her name is Hazel I seem to remember. She couldn't remember talking to me before, not surprising at is was a few months ago. (c) 22 November 1998 16:10. Star express cafe, Burnt Oak, London. Trying to communicate. All I want is for you to be happy. To be alive, to live, not buy your death. To know the truth, about you and me, about the future and the past. What did your heart say about me? Your initial feelings, not the broken opinions of those that don't know me. I love you, what more can I say. Just talk to me and you shall know, I promise. (c) 22 November 1998 09:03, Fnagaton. Escape from this? Every minute of every day, you're there in my mind. Soul reaching for your warm embrace, that I know can never come again. Our hands locked together, we thought for all time. But then... "I want you to know me" you said, but how could I, when you never gave the truth? Why it happened this way? You will never know the torture. You can't know the pain, since pain is for real, you were never for real. I just feel it everyday, you don't care. (c) 18 November 1998 21:20, Fnagaton. Lost Love. My face a mask of stone, refusing to show the sadness, never cracks. Every day when I'm alone, hastily wiped away tear tracks, show emotions. Exhaustion heavy in my chest, the laboured breathing of an old man, once young with life. But my eyes show the scars, from your knife in my heart, and a wound that won't heal. I cannot hide this. (c) 18 November 1998 21:01, Fnagaton. Steel Cube Idolatry. It's subtle isn't it? The carefull mixture of colours, swirling and looping around, like dust in sunlight. The pattern has no order, ruled by chaos and fractal design. Deeper layers all the same, copies of the larger picture. Understand a small part, and you know the whole. (c) 18 November 1998 20:50, Fnagaton. Together. Lets join hands, guide each other through life. Making our own reality, far away from this unhappy world. No distractions, only love. (c) 18 November 1998 20:47, Fnagaton I am me. The real me, the one I am. Won't be changed, not the plan. Extroverted sensing, thinker and judger. Feeler as well, myself not of rubber. Likes to be loved, and loves to be liked. Will not give up, without a fight. Growing and maturing, like a tree. Why not come, and really see? (c) 7 November 1998 17:33, Fnagaton. Memories of a curved dimension. Remembering happens by accident like a dust devil in my mind. A fleeting swirl of emotions moving the dust of the past. I watched the sky as the sun sets, gold and red in the clouds, against the blue sky over my head and it reminds me of you. The wind in my hair and against my face, reminds me of you holding me close, breathless with anticipation of a new day. A plane flying overhead reminds me, of unexplored destinations we could have gone, in our minds and hearts. Clouds remind me of constant change, finding new shapes to become, dancing around each other. Laughing children remind me, of the happiness we once had, I wish for you to have again. Standing by this road watching the machines hurtle onward, the thump of the traffic noise against my chest, reminds me of my heart that beats for you. Its unstoppable motion quickened by your presence. Electric tingle inside my eyes and head, whenever I think of you, or you are near. Birds remind me of carefree moments, snatched between interuptions of belonging to work. The green of leaves on trees remind me of pain, a colour of the past. No more the summer of my soul, turning to autumn shades of yellow and brown. The forest has changed, lost its cover, grown older, letting me look up, to marvel at the symphony of colours around me. (c) 7 November 1998 17:15, Fnagaton. Something. No stars in my universe, no light to guide my way. Such is the blind wandering, of an empty soulless fool. (c) 5 November 1998 11:57, Fnagaton. Life as a journey. Watching the outside world speed by. The gentle rocking of the train, gentle sigh of the wind, slows my mind, relaxes. Patches of winking yellow motes, deny total darkness. Proving that life goes on, outside this speeding coccon. Every now and then it rests, people join and leave. Passing through places I will probably never visit. Miles of country and concrete. Occaisional unexpected delays, a diversion from the plan, giving a chance to pause and reflect on the route ahead, rather like the future. (c) 30 October 1998 17:00, Fnagaton. Sleep. Turning over, on a bed of nails, made by myself. The past, comes back again, to haunt my mind. Cannot sleep, the pain is too great, hearts laboured beating. Empty soul, no light flickers inside, to drive away the shadows. (c) 29 October 1998 22:22, Fnagaton. Brisk autumn morning. Walking down the road, on my way to work. Frosty breath, whisping around me. The air tightens my nose and ears, blood rushing to fight the cold. Birds scythe through the sky, how I wish to be them, join in their dance. Rustling through fallen leaves. Naked trees reaching to the blue void, like broomsticks planted in the ground, trying to sweep the clouds. The bitter sweet tang of smoke, hangs in the air. Garden fires burning the leaves, recycling the summer growth, for next year. I like this time of year. It signals change, the pause before re-growth. A momentary catch of breath, before colour explodes again. Warm evenings infront the fire, whiskey and hot food, good company. There's one piece missing this year, from the picture, c'est la vie. (c) 1998 29 October 1998 21:55, Fnagaton Completeness. Please don't shoot me. Writing from the heart of my soul, the center of my being. You may think it's crazy. I can tell when you are close by. Your broadcasting radiance, it's so obvious to me, doesn't anyone else see? I loose control of myself when ever you are near. Heart beat quickens, thoughts become blurred. You have a power over me that no other has. Your thoughts and emotions, your perfect mind, when you talk to me, the sound of your voice, the look in your eyes. When you hold me, I feel your heart beat, listen to your breathing, feel your skin next to mine. I want for nothing except for time to stop. You make me young again. I want you to show me everything. Anything you want is yours. I will lie for you, defend you in any way I can. If by sacrificing myself, you were to live, I would do it again and again. Where ever you want to go, I will go too. What ever you want to do, I will encourage you. Who ever you want to be, I will always love you. To be separated from you, kills me. I never want to be far from you. If you ever have to leave, drive a knife through my heart, I wouldn't want to live. You connect with me on every level, physical, emotional, mind and soul. You own all of me. Can't stop thinking about you, everything I do is for you. Everything I am and ever will be, is influenced by you. I know I want to be with you, want to discover you, for the rest of my life, for all eternity. You complete me. (c) 1998 at some point in the near past when I was in love, Fnagaton. Reflection. Is there anyone at home, are you there? A tentative touch, on the edge of conscious self. An opaque sphere guarding realities, where once the was no barrier. I know this side, knew the other, like to think I do. A bubble in the world that grew, from secrets and confusion. Maybe it was always there, I can't remember back before time. Moving slightly triggers a change, into a perfect mirror. I move closer, drawn if you like, a moth to a flame. Seeing my reflection I am scared, realising I don't know any more. Which way the surface curves, it's boundless plane, towering. Stretching so far it hurts my senses. The edges lost in past and future. Who is prisoner, is it me? Trapped in this reality. (c) 27 October 1998 16:00, Fnagaton. City existence. Speeding traffic, spewing fumes. Bustling nameless faces, every one on a journey. To where or what who knows? Not daring to make eye contact, protected in their own reality. A band of steel protects them, they like to think. Every day dying a little more. Taking life from each other, such is the cancer of urban society. (c) 27 October 1998 14:43, Fnagaton. Outlook. Unlucky in love, unlucky in life. Only God knows how much strife. A broken heart, lies in twain. left to contemplate, on hidden pain. Damn me for being, too sensitive. I know how much, I want to live! To feel the light, to want to be, your other half of symmetry. I know it's hard, to see first hand. To dash those dreams, that were so grand. As I sit here now, and dare to see, the feelings I have for thee. You sit here now with me as I write. You must know, I sense your plight. But silence is there, and with each breath, you bring closer our mutual death. Finishing your cigarette, you depart and leave. In the future will you read and see, what your life really means to me? (c) 27 October 1998 12:44, Fnagaton The Hyper Colony. I buy my ticket to The Hyper Colony. Ten minutes travel by doing nothing, and you can be there. An onset of paralysis, disfunction of body, hands and feet going numb. My mind closing as the journey progresses, drawing inward, disconnection from the flesh, speeding along the route. Time changing, heart beat quickens, a lifeline to the past world I know, to pull me back again. Each second a myriad of unconnected thoughts, no common thread. A lifetime experienced in a heart beat, Blood rushing, visions of places I will never go, only in my mind. A multi-mind, pulling together, this mind has no control over their reality. A lack of control, one minute to the next, a watch can be a reliable thing, if you remember when you looked at it, a second ago. Wanting to stop, not wanting it to ever end, drifting, probing, exploring, with no pattern no resolve. Slowing down now, a second is a minute, a minute is an hour, an hour is a day. I can see the world through my eyes, through their eyes, all at once. Not responding, just watching. Voices not heard, just felt, booming at me from an unknown place. The place I am going back to, why? Time slows, senses come back, able to move, a reluctant re-connection. (c) 26 October 1998 14:57, Fnagaton. Sorry. I'd like to say I'm sorry, just to write and appologise. I wanted to see your world, to see it from your own eyes. I know I tried much too hard, and that was my mistake. Me thinking I'm not good enough, lead you my heart to break. I also wasn't honest, my past a mixture of lies. I wanted you to be the first, to help free me from my ties. My heart told me to let you in, but I needed some more time. I couldn't say exactly when my dear, I knew not far down the line. I never did mean to hurt you, didn't try to underestimate, But you think I really did, which leaves myself to hate. Of all the people in this world, the last I wanted to hurt was you. I say this with a heavy heart now, because my love was true. You think I didn't love you, because of what I've done. I'll let you into a secret dear, in my mind only you, the One. I didn't care except for you, least not about myself. It was always only you my love, and your current state of health. Will you read this at any time, if you do, will you care? These are my thoughts and feelings, my soul for you laid bare. This the truth will you believe? A simple answer, no! In my heart there's always you, the part I couldn't throw. (c) 25 October 1998 19:24, Fnagaton. Others. Some friends here have said I'll get over it, I know I will in time, just not that quickly. They say I shouldn't let it effect my work!! What a ridiculous notion that is, I couldn't care less about work at the moment, only how I've upset the one person in my life, I never wanted to. (c) 25 October 1998 18:04, Fnagaton. Friends. Your friendship means a lot to me, more than you'll ever know. You are someone who cares to listen, can tell my state of mind without asking. When you do ask you want to share, and understand. Even though we don't speak that often, time and distance doesn't matter. True friends will always be around, keeping an eye out. Sort of comforting in a way, to know you are protected. (c) 24 October 1998 17:23, Fnagaton. Happens in life. She's dead in my heart, and dead in my mind. It's what she wanted, I think you will find. Stumbling into love, how foolish I must seem. To dream of possabilities, that might have been. (c) 19 October 1998 17:58, Fnagaton. Woken after forty-eight days. Wake up and see the world, for what it really is. Not everyone else's world, but my own reality. Truth comes with time, how right that seems now. To anyone else, I would have seemed mad. Keeping pace with the story, of the mental shadow dance. It would have seemed impossible, but I could see the undercurrent. A constant drive for one thing, in a kaleidoscope of mental change. To watch a search doomed to fail, for someone that will never be known. The unobtainable picture of self, always out of reach. Slipping through those fingers, every grasp trying harder. (c) 18 October 1998 20:06, Fnagaton. Light and vision. Thank you for that insight, the obvious is always missed. I would have helped, I think I still can. Wanting to is a sign of hope, an altruistic intention. There is another truth, a simple one at that. I always will care, for your emotional well being. But life must go on, I can't wait around. My eyes are wide open now, mental thought is in order. Sure of their conviction, I have three questions to ask. Did you mean what you said? Did you know what you wanted? Are you for real? (c) 18 October 1998 20:06, Fnagaton. Why? I'm always the last one, To know how people see me. Why did I have the fear? The fear of discovery, fear of myself, Why be afraid of giving all of me, Of what and who I am, to one person? Revealing everything is possible, There isn't anyone to listen anymore. No one that really cares. I know what it is to have a heavy soul. It's called being lonely, so I've heard. (c) 10 October 1998 17:09, Fnagaton. Surprise at greater success in the past. Five minutes from now, the destruction will come. In a blazing white heat that rivals the Sun. The man in the white coat, he stands so proud. Oh!, little does he realise, it will be too late to use a shroud. (c) 10 October 1998 10:17, Fnagaton. Growth or conflict? Friends say I have changed. Maybe they can sense the difference, I can see inside myself. The sky could be clear, the birds could be singing, and I won't even notice. When did I retreat from the real world? It is impossible to say, the transition too gradual. (c) 10th October 1998 06:45, Fnagaton. Expiation. Sitting there quietly, head bowed, closed to the world, in my solitude of contemplation. I didn't even notice your mind drawing near, your light not breaking the darkness inside me. Depression comes in waves, when I least expect it to. Like bubbles in a glass of water, They keep on breaking my mental surface. The ripples sinking my mind, sliding into the welcoming suffocating depths. My sanity reminds me of the hurt and the pain I have caused at my own hand. To see the disappointment in your eyes, counting the sighs from within you, fills me with regret, not for myself, but for you, you don't deserve that. To destroy our love was never the intention. To act as your inspiration was my motivation. As you put it so well, to shed this earthly burden, to live forever in a place no one has ever known, and no one will ever know, except for us. That to me was beauty beyond comparison. I've been dead inside for so long. You have made me come alive. I know how much I need you, even if I can't put it into words. Real life in society was never for us. Do you know how much I loved your company? I would hold your face in my minds eye. I would think about you when you're not with me, keep seeing you in the corner of my eye, wherever I go. I could feel you watching me, watching over me, and that would comfort me. Even when the darkness draws in. Being close to you mentally, spiritually, is all that mattered. I would always be there for you, to listen, to understand, to try and help. You gave me strength in the morning to wake up. Without you I would have died by now, thank you for the extra few months, they have been worth living. Living this life is hard enough now, the sorrow and grief it can't go on. I must act quickly to try and cut free, before I loose my faith and turn inward. If only you knew how deeply you touched me. The choice of my painful death, can be my only repentance. (c) 9th October 1998 02:07, Fnagaton. Vistas. Imagine you can see someone. He's looking into the clear distance. Watching over green hills dotted with fauna, translucent rivers flowing between them, almost tasting the cool water on my lips and stark mountains, still cloaked with white robes from an earlier season. An ever changing landscape, sometimes bursting with life, sometimes almost void of life, changing with the seasons. Erosion and construction in a constant cycle. Never ending, sometimes surprising, capturing its own fascination. He has a pensive stare, not really seeing the view, just able to sense and be part of it. Knowing that it cannot be fully explored. Ultimately it is unknowable because it defies logic. Not quite being part of this world is known, escape to another is possible. Inside to another place, yet outside to be free. An endless space, waiting to be filled, constantly expanding. Flight through here is easy, will power is enough. Senses straining as the speed increases, through the fabric of memory. Never misplacing or loosing information, just separating by distance and time. The mountains and rivers are the surface of my mind, always changing reflecting the cycle. To exist in this world is what most people see. To be me, to be alive, I live in the other world, the logical utopia, where order and chaos are bound. Then why the pensive look you may ask? I realize I need both worlds to be whole, without each other I would collapse. This I see while listening the to musical sigh of the wind in my mind from the mountains. (c) 3rd October 1998 17:16, Fnagaton. Goals. People have many goals in life. Everyone has a motive, a plan, not always sinister. Most strive to succeed in the rat race. Acquiring money and power, to try and find meaning. Even though the two repel each other, but that is not obvious to many. These people corrupt themselves in a contest to die inside. They cannot be trusted, at least they are consistent. It is possible to diverge from this path, but you must let it happen, no one can force you. I can see one person right now trying to gather money. I want to warn you, but you would not listen. You know both sides of the coin and you are making your choice. Now you are trying too hard. Another sees the change happening, you are not alone in your deceptions, we do not agree, I understand. I found happiness and joy that filled my soul, I found love and light. I have found peace in myself, I know what I live for now and I have the will to live. If I were to die tomorrow I would die a happy man. (c) 25th September 1998 00:25, Fnagaton. Learning. Thinking about the past I am calm. The lessons I have with me sit in my mind. They are as much a part of me as the will to live. The transfer of knowledge does not run one way. The divide between teacher and pupil is gray. (c) 24th September 1998 23:55, Fnagaton. Decision. I have made my decision, time will tell, words cannot say. The answers are there all the time, I see them now, just let me remember them when I am older. I thought I was tall enough to look over them, what a foolish notion that is, because others will always see. To not care, not be swayed by my conscious, not to rely on my instincts, not to have the conviction, is not something I want to be. It is a failing not to notice a soul guide, be it a ray of light or a hand in a crowd, allow me to admit to my stupidity. Can we lead each other, be our own light, in a mad World full of confusion, is it possible? Yes, I hope. Words cannot say, time will tell, I have made my decision. (c) 21st September 1998 11:30, Fnagaton. Helpless. I want to scream and shout, I won't. I want to complain, I can't. I could tear around in a tornado of destruction, but there is no point. To have no influence, no deciding factor, leaves an empty void. Why oh why was that decision made, control from a high. I want to end it all, to stop everything, a lesson in futility. To avoid death in the other parts, a requirement. (c) 16th September 1998 around 22:00, Fnagaton. Fate. I see you are exhausted. Tired with the complexity of life. Your grip is weakening, leaving you to fall. I want to catch you, but you cannot let me. It was always you in my heart, there cannot be any control inside me. Only the joining of life and love, To give you a spark, to show you life. And there is the problem. You never did want everything, there can only be you, without yourself there can be no one left. I know this now, you knew a long time ago. I said this would happen, subconscious reasoning perhaps. There is nothing in being right, in winning this one, just a void left with memories. Facing the collision with truth, is never easy. You have your dignity and pride. "Pride comes before a fall." Inspired by and for S.C.I. (c) 17th September 1998, Fnagaton. Visions. I feel your soul gently touching mine, Our thoughts, our emotions, merging as one. Your beauty blinds me without hurting my senses, You are everything to me, to us. You expect everything and demand nothing, for all I have to give I give freely. You shatter my world, my mind, and rebuilds better than before. You find my fears, and cast your light around them, making them shrink and wither. You lift my depression like a balloon, soaring high over our visions. You cradle me in yourself, and I never want to let go. (c) 25th August 1998 20:07, Fnagaton. Living. Thinking of you always. Spark of my inspiration. Fire in my heart. (c) 25th August 1998 17:05, Fnagaton. Flight Let me join our souls in flight. Over mountains and ice covered streams. Over wooded valleys and desserts. To a far away land where we can be free. Far away from civilization and belching machines. A lifetime away from the past and always touching the future. A land where we need no shelter, no food. Where we can live in our love, for ever. (c) 23rd August 1998 19:16, Fnagaton. Links. The way you fill my thoughts I submit willingly, without reservation because you are my life, my reason. You take over my emotions, my being, and strengthen my dreams where others have dashed. The sound of your voice calms my mind, to feel your touch on my skin soothes my soul, and heals the scars left by others. We share a bond that can never be broken. Not by the strongest blade, since we will avoid its edge. Nor blocked by the thickest shield, as we will punch our way through. Not by the ravages of time, since we will outlast all time. Nor by the greatest distance, because our love will always reach. We can take flight, our souls joined and be free. To gaze in wonder at our symmetry. (c) 19th August 1998 21:47, Fnagaton. Explanation. You are, my anticipation, my source of life, the breath in my body, my hope in the past, present and future, the one that dispels all fears, my release and sanctuary, the source of all the magic in my world, my sole. You make me, want everything and need nothing, impulsive to the point of decadence, challenge my thoughts and ideals, keep me safe by being with me, fly and be free with my emotions, more complete than myself. (c) 16th August 1998 19:36, Fnagaton. Desire. I realise more than ever how much I miss you. I miss feeling your mind close to mine. I miss listening to your voice. I miss your touch, and I miss touching you. I miss the way you smell. I miss your aura. (c) 15th August 1998 15:02, Fnagaton. Happening. You are in my thoughts and you fill my mind. I have this peculiar ache in my chest, my heart rate nearly doubles and my breathing becomes erratic whenever I think of you. Logical thought completely disappears and all I can do is listen to music while staring into space, thinking of you and embracing your image. (c) 14th August 1998 16:50, Fnagaton. Match. Every person is half a soul searching for a match. Only when two people join can they fly among the stars, as one. (c) 9th August 1998 sometime, Fnagaton. Simple. A World where we could exist on air and love would be heaven. (c) 6th August 1998 sometime, Fnagaton. Lonely. The world does not understand. I want to be gone. There is a way out. There isn't a motivation for life. There is nothing here. Working like this is killing me. Let's help the release. (c) 13th June 1998 sometime, Fnagaton.